Thinking About Direction

Not just in development, but in life, there are times when I wonder if the direction I am heading is the right one. As I think about it, my thoughts intertwine and eventually lead to reflections on meaning. What is my purpose? Life is finite, and in a way, my existence may not hold much significance in the vast universe. Even after I die, in just ten years, no one might remember me. From that perspective, it is hard to find meaning in life or in all my actions.

After graduating from college and wandering aimlessly, I entered K-ARTs, dropped out, and tried this and that. There were times when I wondered if humans ultimately only react to hormones and pleasures, and I drank heavily, and I tried to understand the meanings of life that many philosophers have discovered by reading philosophy books, but I couldn't relate to them. And ultimately, the answer to my questions was that 'there is no meaning to life.'

It All Means Nothing

If you pursue meaning, then, from a nihilistic perspective, it is essentially meaningless. No matter how much I ponder, in the end, life has no meaning. However, this should not be taken as a negative implication. Ultimately, since what I do is meaningless, I should seek joy and do what brings me happiness to escape from fear. I don't have to hesitate in making my decisions out of fear for what will happen if I decide this way. If it all means nothing, then, on a universal scale, if my decisions have little significance, I can actually find freedom.

So Why Do I Develop?

Whether it's development or working at a startup, it’s because I find joy in creation. And if I see that something small I created positively affects someone else's life, I feel joy and a sense of pride from that. A stable life and an easy path are not bad. However, if this short life ultimately has no meaning, then feeling a small sense of accomplishment through bold challenges doesn't seem too bad.

Joy is on a different level than pleasure. Pleasure is ultimately self-destructive and leads to unhappiness after the pleasure fades. I don't think the code I write and the software I create will last forever. In a rapidly changing world, they will eventually be forgotten within a few years. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. It means there's no need to fear failure as much.

If something I created has made someone else's daily life easier, I can feel fulfilled from that and continue to challenge myself endlessly. There is nothing eternal, and if my struggles on a universal scale have little significance, then perhaps it's okay to come and go beautifully in this fleeting moment that the world exists?